Well the holiday blues finally hit. I knew it would come, it always does, I just never know what’s going to trigger the Life Contraction.
Well this year, it was the snow. The first fluffy white flakes falling so softly from the heavens looked so beautiful as it created a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. It was so beautiful yet it felt like a punch to my gut at all the same time. Moments like this make me think of the song ‘River’-
“It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
Singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on.”
In the past these moments always scared me cuz I never knew how I was going to react. So to protect my heart from hurting more I would shift into anger. Operating from Anger felt more safe because I had control… so I thought. Control in these moments is just an Illusion. But the Anger was really. However, Anger was just a buffer for what I was really feeling inside, a feeling I was terribly afraid to feel, Sadness. To feel Sadness is to be vulnerable and that can feel so uncomfortable.
So this morning as I stepped out into the snow feeling the knot forming in my throat and a punch in my gut. Between flashes of Sadness to Anger back to Sadness, I just allowed the communication to flow. It’s when we block the flow the emotions get stuck in our bodies. And the body definitely keeps score and our bodies tell us in so many ways. Fatigue and heaviness in my limbs were/are the top 2 ways my body tells me.
So are you feeling the holiday blues? With Grief it always comes, but we don’t have to be scared, it’s just the wave of Deep Love. It’s just coming to tell you something. Can you perhaps try to listen to the emotion in a different way? And teach your feet to move with the flow. Go stand in the snow put your arms out or around yourself to receive those Heavenly hugs. Scream, yell, cry… open your voice then stop and be still and listen to what the Deep Love is telling you.
Well, I did just that this morning. I stood out in the snow with my arms around myself and gave myself permission to feel it all. Then when I came inside, the song ‘River’ came on with my heart still open & tender tears streamed down my face. Is the holiday time still tender for me after 14 year of my Angel Caleb’s passing, Yes! Yes, it is and I’m sure it always will be, and it’s ok because Grief is just Deep Love. I welcome the Deep Love because it’s evidence that I can love so deeply. And evidence that I love my Caleb so deeply.
As we enter this Christmas season, I'm sending you such tender hugs Sweet Momma.
Please know I’m always in your Corner,
Tanya ((hugs))